For much of my life I have been, for lack of better word, floating. Untethered, moving from here to there with a deep feeling something was unfinished. My knowing obscured by a kind of blockage. It wasn’t necessarily something bad or good…it was a wistful kind of feeling of not really knowing where I was supposed to fit in or who I really was. I looked to others for validation, but we know that never is a good idea…why should I let someone tell me who I am?
I had an interesting experience recently that shed some light on this ‘floating’ theory. It had to do with my deceased father and the fact I knew almost nothing about fraternal relatives, who they were, or even how to find them. They were without names or faces. Unfortunately, I was 28 when he died suddenly so I wouldn’t get the story of my ancestors from him. I never thought not knowing who they were could be so detrimental, so crippling to my creativity.
Without getting into the gritty details, during a meditative experience, it came to me that by not knowing about my family, I had no point of reference to start from. Hence, the floating, untethered feeling. If you’re scratching your head…without this knowledge, I couldn’t mourn my father properly, felt there was a deep loneliness that never went away…I was disconnected from who I was. I only knew half my ancestry. I was half a person somehow.
You cannot move forward until you deal, right? I think we all know that even if we still ignore all the signs. It’s like never going to the doctor because you don’t want to find out there is something wrong. If there is something wrong, there is something wrong wether you know it or not. Then one day, in a second, you’re on your knees.
My experience was kind of like that. It opened a new door, one I had never seen before. A healing door. It was a feeling of weight being lifted…I actually thought I even looked younger like not knowing had aged me. Maybe when we are ready to see we are shown…we can chose to look away, but it is always there…like our ancestors. Every single one going back to the beginning of time, is behind you, has given you their DNA so you could now be the one, the one that will represent. They are there, watching over us, ready to support when asked. It would be the ultimate slap in the face to take all of that uniqueness we were given and do nothing with it. I want to make them proud, be the best I can be…and feel like I’m really part of this amazing world. I’m connected…not floating, not lost. I’m part of something bigger…I’m part of an ancestral tree that will go on long after I’ve made my mark on the world.